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 Oukami Clan

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Oukami Eiji



Posts : 29
Type : Aurura
Rank : Genin
Elements : Lightning

PostSubject: Oukami Clan   Fri Sep 10, 2010 5:45 pm

Background Description: It's not really known how the Oukami Clan really came to be, but as legend has it, a normal ninja from the Hidden Moon village prayed to the moon to spare his dying newborn's life. The wolf spirit of the moon and storms came forth and told him to seal the chakra of a wolf inside his son with his special seal of storms and moon to save him. The ninja did so, when the child became of age, he was able to talk to wolves and use special jutsu no one has ever scene before. As a tradition the boy started the Oukami Clan.

Elements: Storm

Bloodline: Wolf Chakra

Extras:

Spoiler:
 
Clan Jutsu:

Spoiler:
 

Other:

Spoiler:
 


Last edited by Oukami Eiji on Sat Sep 11, 2010 5:36 am; edited 1 time in total
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Yakate
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Posts : 1347
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Elements : Depends

PostSubject: Re: Oukami Clan   Sat Sep 11, 2010 1:13 am

You should've stayed satisfied with just one clan. D:

Firstly, in the 'Extras' field, you basically repeated the same paragraph four times with only slight differences. This makes it too jammed up. Reduce the number to two, at most three, or best, one.

The first two jutsu are okay; the 'Storm Body Flicker' technique is wholly unnecessary. I mean, what's wrong with a normal Body Flicker? It lets you go at most a whole kilometer. And since the Storm Body Flicker summons a tornado around you, it's actually easier for the enemy to spot you. D:

The 'Wold Chow' technique is too vague. Mention exactly how the genjutsu is activated, i.e. by touch, by looking into your eye, etc. Also, a genjutsu as simple as that should be at least B-rank. And and, all illusions have to be descriptive! People will try to escape it, you know. xD

Sonic roar? Wolves howl, not roar. xD Either turn it into a Sonic Howl, that acts as a shock-wave, or remove it; a roar technique is cliche.

Clawing Swift Wolf Fang sounds like a weird Chinese Martial Arts technique. D: The description is hard to understand; the user 'bolts' around the enemy? The user slashes the enemy with what? And what exactly do you mean by opposite side? D: And if my visualization of the jutsu is correct, it should be at least C-rank, not D.

Thunder Kick could be D-rank if you like; Thunder Wolf Kick could also be just C-rank. A shockwave technique is never too powerful.

Beast Wave Palm shouldn't be able to slash through anything. You are, after all, a wolf. A wolf bites more than it slashes. And the chakra slash that you make using it should be much larger than a tandem. And if it is large, i.e. each wave is one meter or longer, then using it in rapid-fire should rapidly consume the user's chakra.

The Violent Wind Palm should be A-rank, suggesting by the way you want to use it. Far too powerful to be just B-rank.

Water can't impale a person unless it has freakishly high water pressure. If it does have this much pressure, it should be A-rank. And it should have a really small range. It should either be made A-rank, or it should simply shoot an opponent up in the air. Or, if you want to make it D-rank, you could make it a mild spout of water that would only make you wet. ;D

You named another jutsu 'Wolf Tsunami' as well! D: Change the name.

Ice Wolf jutsu must be A-rank. Summoning a giant, freezing wolf made out of ice needs a hell of a lot of chakra, especially to maintain the cold temperature.

If chakra detonates inside your body, you realized that you'll probably die, right? o_o Provided you realize that, make it S-rank and an attack powerful enough to kill your opponent.

I suppose the rest of the clan is... okay. Reminds me horridly of Twilight and Jacob Black though. D:






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Oukami Eiji



Posts : 29
Type : Aurura
Rank : Genin
Elements : Lightning

PostSubject: Re: Oukami Clan   Sat Sep 11, 2010 5:39 am

Corrections made! Storm Body flicker is really for showing off and intimidation. I know, I should have stuck with my first clan but I got bored of the idea. And close not Twilight but True Blood. XD
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Yakate
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PostSubject: Re: Oukami Clan   Sat Sep 11, 2010 12:44 pm

I said Wold Chow didn't I? o-o Sorry, typo. xD

Accepted, I guess. I'll trust you and your changes, so I won't read the whole thing again... o_o
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